I have realized that while I may have wanted a definitive answer, I wasn’t likely to receive it. I don’t have to make a big “forever decision”. My husband and I simply have to discern and decide what is best for us now, at this stage in life, or even just this month. At any juncture we can change course if we want to.

Let us remember the ways that we hope to be transformed. To remember our suffering ends with God's loving resurrection of our broken souls and bodies. To know that we are not called to know every detail of God's plan for us, but to let our lives be forever changed by our constant "yes" to His love and will.

There are losses in life that are visible, and there are losses that are invisible. This one feels like both. We didn't lose a child we held in our arms, but we lost the expectation of children conceived through our love. We lost the ease of a future we had always assumed. We lost something deeply intimate and deeply personal.