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  • Writer's pictureLauren Allen

Here we go again

I was victorious. My race was run and my time waiting for parenthood was done! I became a mother at last in the spring of 2022 after a 2-and-a-half-year infertility and adoption journey. Reaching the “finish line” of my goal of growing my family was perfection. I’ve enjoyed standing on the checkered finish line and just breathing it all in. God writes the best stories. Our adoption journey began with preparing for domestic newborn adoption and ended with decorating a bedroom for our very busy 5 year-old son. We did not see that one coming!

As the early months with our son have progressed we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and our weaknesses. It’s been a crazy experience that we will continue processing for years to come. What I didn’t realize was how quickly we would be announcing “Here we go again… Adoption #2 in progress”. I never dreamed that we would be working on our second home study in the same 12-month span as we were working on our 1st; what a whirlwind. You see, while standing on the finish line and just breathing it all in, I heard the whisper “look forward”. In the distance I squinted to see yet another checkered line. “Really, God? But I thought this journey was over?” Here we go again…

Whether you are discerning starting another treatment cycle, working towards another adoption, or discerning if now is the right time to “baby dance” and TTC; you know the feeling. The small phrase “here we go again” packs in a lot of emotions to sift through: excitement, fear, hesitation, reluctance, joy, hope, sorrow, dread, etc. In that moment when I saw yet another finish line to reach for in the distance, I have to admit that the feeling that flooded my body was stupidity. I had been so focused on finishing all the paperwork, background checks, getting a match, etc. that I didn’t realize that I would probably have to do it all over again in the future.

The reality is that infertility has no finish line. If you’ve carried the cross of infertility and were able to give birth, you’ve experienced the reality that infertility never truly leaves you. The trauma, hardship and loss typically lingers. It’s okay to have conflicting emotions. It’s perfectly normal to have conflicting emotions. Personally, I’ve felt the need to justify why we are adopting again “so soon”. I can’t count the number of times I’ve told people “Family planning is accelerated since he is already 5 years old, and adoption can take a long time”. No one has judged us as harshly as I’ve judged our decision; but I feel the call to keep running to the next checkered line. Much like the call to our first adoption, I can’t really explain this feeling.

After discernment…

If you’re still feeling called to move forward even when the world thinks you’re insane; do it.

If you’re still feeling a pull towards trying for just one more cycle; do it.

If you’re still feeling called to another adoption; follow the voice and go for it.

If you’re feeling the word “yield” in your soul; then yield.

Listen to the Holy Spirit; He will always lead you closer to God the Father.

Holy Spirit, enlighten my mind.

Come, speak to my heart.

Make clear the path that will lead me closer to my Father.

Give me courage to hear your voice, heed your word and seek your direction.

You know the plans He has for me.

On this journey, close doors that aren’t meant for me.

I trust in your goodness, I trust in His plan.

I give my human desires to you now; please unite them with His will.

Lead me, Holy Spirit.


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