Dear sister,
I see you in the waiting room, anxiously awaiting another test. I see you, crying out of grief because the results either made you feel like there’s just one more thing broken about you, or crying out of frustration because you’re no closer to an answer or diagnosis to lead you in the "right direction". I see you, exhausted from all of the fertility math, the timing of medications/supplements and the extra effort it takes to eat and live a certain lifestyle. I see you, not wanting to do any of it because it’s too daunting to start or because it feels useless to keep going.
Going through treatment is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of time, energy, money and causes a lot of stress on your body and soul. For me, I had to take breaks every 4-6 cycles just to give myself some space to breathe and to give our marriage some time to be the focus. The side effects from medications and then feeling like an experiment at times would just become too much. I remember crying when an ultrasound tech told me “You’ve been poked and prodded enough” and spent my appointment time searching for the lost results from 2 days before. Instead of making me go through another transvaginal ultrasound, he saw me as a human and didn’t want to put me through any more than was needed. I remember feeling God at work when we met a new doctor who told me, “You have been through enough,” and has continued to make every effort to protect me from more heartbreak.
I want to encourage you, wherever you are on your journey, that the pace you go and the treatments you decide to try are all between you, your husband and God. I was so done seeing my husband so stressed and so done living my life according to the treatment schedule. After 2.5 years of not taking a real vacation, not pursuing other dreams, I realized we don’t have to live on auto-pilot. It can be so easy to get lost in the world of treatments, trying everything possible and losing yourself in the process. Not every decision you make has to be with the end goal of having a baby.
If we’re not careful, the search for the ‘key” to getting pregnant can become an unhealthy obsession. For me, it affected my relationships, our finances and my health actually got worse from the stress. I kept myself from pursuing dreams that I had told myself I could only do if we were expecting/had kids. The turnaround began when I started believing that God did not create others to be more happy than me or anyone struggling with infertility. He wanted me to live a full life, too. I didn’t have to wait for it, and neither do you! We moved out of our apartment and into a house. We spent money on a real vacation instead of saving every penny for treatments. I went back to school and changed my career to something I can actually see myself doing long-term instead of a job being a placeholder until we have kids. I stopped working full-time to pursue being a homemaker and now work part-time from home. I found other ways to mother like volunteering for youth group, coaching other women going through infertility, putting together retreats, etc. I began to live again, and remember who I am.
I want to leave you with some lines from a Litany of Fertility I put together. I encourage you to add to this any lies, shame or fears you are carrying, asking for deliverance in the name of Jesus and try to combat them with a truth in the name of Jesus.
From the fear of never having children:
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear, guilt and shame of eating the wrong foods for my body:
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of not doing the right treatment:
deliver me Jesus.
From the fear that trusting You will leave me more destitute:
deliver me Jesus.
From the idea that I have to be the one to make this happen:
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire to be in the same season of life as my pregnant/mother friends/family:
deliver me Jesus.
From the desire to rush Your timing:
deliver me Jesus.
From the harsh perspective I have of myself and my body:
deliver me Jesus.
That You are NOT holding out on us:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That Your timing is best:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You are with me in my suffering:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That sometimes a break/rest is called for and not detrimental:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That my suffering united to Yours bears fruit:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You provide the strength for whatever is asked:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You are always good:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That my family will look exactly as You intended:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You do more with obedience than miracles:
Jesus, I trust in You.
That I can have joy in this season:
Jesus, I trust in You.
Take courage, dear sister. He has beautiful plans for you and desires your happiness. He made no mistake in creating you the way you are and He has made no mistake in the way He is bringing you on this journey.
This is part of our “Letters of Encouragement” series. To read all of the letters, search the “encouragement” filter on the blog.