At the foundation of every couple’s union is the art of communication. Through the spoken word, physical cues, and rituals of affection, couples express themselves through a unique language of the heart.
One common difficulty among infertile couples is the ongoing uncertainty over a seemingly fruitless intimate life. How do they embrace a beautiful closeness in the midst of the emotional and physical trauma of infertility? The struggle is an invitation to be vulnerable with the heart so that the marriage can grow stronger. Such a mutual effort will continue to mature the intimate bond and bless a marriage with profound affection.
St John Paul II explains that the love between spouses gives rise to a language of the body that communicates the deeper meaning of their embrace:
“It is a question, then, of an ‘acceptance’ or ‘welcome’ that expresses and sustains, in mutual nakedness, the meaning of the gift. Therefore, it deepens the mutual dignity of it. This dignity corresponds profoundly to the fact that the Creator willed (and continually wills) man, male and female, ‘for his own sake’. The innocence ‘of the heart’, and consequently, the innocence of the experience, means a moral participation in the eternal and permanent act of God's will.”
Therefore, the profound expression of the soul through the body is not tainted through an exchange of love between husband and wife free from contraceptives. Their bodies engage in an on-going exchange of the most intimate level when the communication of the heart is spoken and accepted freely. The fruitful exchange of openness culminates in the ultimate acceptance of God’s will: “Thy will be done”.
Whether or not God forms a new life through the intimate bond between spouses, their marriage is nonetheless a truly beautiful gift of highest praise. When they offer their hearts and bodies in sincerity, searching to comfort and arouse affection in an authentic and open embrace, they are expressing the deep meaning of their vocation. The complimentary of their hearts and minds gives them a unique dignity through their trial. They will endure all things together and generously enrich the lives of others through their devotion.
On a very practical level, it does good to account for the very joys that your marriage brings. Find moments to surprise each other with a special gesture of love and gratitude. Pack a lunch for your spouse and place a heartfelt note in there. Plan a trip or special date to somewhere you have not been in a while. Send your spouse a link to (or a lyric from) your first dance song from your wedding. I’m sure you can get creative with something special that your love will enjoy. Find a way to pray with and for each other daily. It can truly impact your hearts in a beautiful way. As Pope Francis thoughtfully reminds us:
“In the life of married couples, even at difficult moments, one person can always surprise the other, and new doors can open for their relationship, as if they were meeting for the first time. At every new stage, they can keep ‘forming’ one another. Love makes each wait for the other with the patience of a craftsman, a patience which comes from God.”
What a most beautiful image! It is one to truly reflect on. You can foster a spirit of craftsmanship by initiating moments of tenderness with your spouse. In the midst of busy and hectic lives, it helps to seek out times when the other is not distracted. Such times are becoming more difficult to find with the demands of the day. Nonetheless, when you purposefully create such a moment and connect with your spouse on a deep and honest level, you open up the door to grow ever the more deeply in union with each other. Continuing to make such moments a priority on the worst and best of days will foster greater strength in your marriage.
At the heart of the infertile journey is the realization that the fruitfulness of marriage is still ever present in new and beautiful ways; it simply takes on a different appearance. Truly, their marriage and their lives may be lived to the full. As Pope Francis explains:
“We are speaking of an attitude of the heart, one which approaches life with serene attentiveness, which is capable of being fully present to someone without thinking of what comes next, which accepts each moment as a gift from God to be lived to the full.”
Through the bond of spousal love, a new patient trust forms which inspires others toward gratitude, love and endurance. Through your faithfulness in the midst of the fire, you will brighten the lives of others with your courage. By God’s grace, may you and your spouse find unity that will foster goodness of which our world is in desperate need.
Reflection questions
What do you love most about your spouse? How can you show them that you appreciate them for who they are?
How do you and your spouse express your love for each other? Has this communication been challenged through infertility? How can you strengthen in this area?
How is your marriage fruitful in other ways?
Action steps
Write a love letter to your spouse and surprise them with a special date.
Volunteer to help with pre-cana or other marriage preparation program in your parish or community.
Go on retreat with your spouse or plan a pilgrimage to a holy place.
Prayer
Dearest Lord, please look favorably upon me and my spouse. Help us to grow in love and generosity of spirit. Let us know the sacredness of our bond and the graces that we share together. Strengthen us in courage as we continue this trial. In your great mercy and love, fill us with all that we need to bear forth joy to others. Through the intercession of our Blessed Virgin Mary, and Saint Joseph, her beloved spouse, we pray. Amen!