My Perpetual Lent

I’m just going to come outright and say it; Lent is not my favorite liturgical season. I shared with a friend recently that I honestly feel as if I’ve been living in a “perpetual Lent”.

I started seeing a therapist/counselor a few years ago and one of the biggest concerns he has for me is the state of overwhelm I live in. I’m a public elementary school music teacher and have over 650 students this year. I am a wife. I am a mother to three beautiful children who came to us through the gift of adoption. I’m a special needs mom whose son has intense behavioral needs and has been suspended from the school multiple times this year. I’m a trauma informed parent/teacher. I’m a Sister of Hannah mentor. I’m a daughter, a sister, an aunt. I’m not exaggerating when I say that 86% of our days are filled with problems that I as a parent have to attempt to solve, teach, or address. I live a life that not many people can't understand until they witness it first-hand. I show up each and every day the best I can because not only does my family deserve that, but the 650+ kids I teach daily also deserve me to be fully present and to emit joy. I put on this show daily and I’m exhausted.

Thinking about adding Lenten fasting, abstinence, penance, and altering my diet feels like more weight than my level of overwhelm can bear. I’m sure this seems like a strange blog to read on The Fruitful Hollow, but I figured some of you may relate.

Some of you may be feeling the emotional overwhelm of experiencing the loss of a child, or the weight of medical appointments, or the crushing disappointment of yet another negative pregnancy test.

Some of you may be physically recovering from surgery or your emotions are all over the place due to infertility injections and treatments.

Some of you may carry the grief of knowing that if you are unable to conceive, your family lineage will end with you.

Some of you may be in the midst of court battles and hearings as you ride the unpredictable road of foster care and/or adoption.

Some of you carry diagnoses that are heavy and you struggle daily to continue to show up for those who need you most.

Some of you walk the path of secondary infertility and feel the constant pressure to give your child the life they want; to make sure they don’t grow up lonely.

When you live in a perpetual state of emotional, physical or mental overwhelm, the Lenten season can feel insurmountable.

So what do we do when we do not have the bandwidth to do more? Simply do what you can and shift focus from doing more to offering more. Offer what is. This Lent, I’m not giving up something I enjoy; I am giving all the pain, anxiety, suffering and raw daily living to Christ. I’m intentionally walking through each day and moment with Him. I’m praying a specific prayer daily and I’m surviving in the midst of it all. 

Lord, I unite myself wholly to You. I’m offering up all that I carry and I am asking that You use it how You will. Refine the impurities in me; take my weakness and multiply them. Allow me to sink further into this suffering, allow me to carry part of the load of your cross. I unite my cross to yours. Permit me to continue carrying this cross with You so that I may also one day be united with you fully in Heaven. I am yours. Amen

Your Lenten experience does not have to be social media/influencer perfect. It does not have to meet certain criteria just because most people do it. Speak to God and see what He desires from you this Lenten season. I’ve taken it to prayer and he has simply invited me to “come deeper”. In going deeper into my suffering, I’m becoming more intimately intertwined with Christ.