Infertility Awareness Week: you are welcome at The Fruitful Hollow

Dear new readers and those who have been with us a while,

This week is Infertility Awareness Week, and we are here to remind you all that you are not alone in your journey, whatever that may look like. Over the past 5 years, The Fruitful Hollow has shared hundreds of stories about walking this road and we will continue to accompany you on your journey. This week, we wanted to highlight some of those reflections as a comfort that there will always be people alongside you. 

Maybe you were diagnosed before marriage…

You may find comfort in C.J’s journey. In Vulnerability is Hard, she recalls that “infertility is one of the most isolating things in the world.” We can maybe all relate to the feeling of “I don’t think my heart left my throat or stopped pounding” when she tells her then boyfriend (now fiancé) about her infertility journey, or her sense of being stuck in the waiting game, musing that “I am still waiting for answers, even as I know God is holding me close through every sob and heartache, just asking me to trust in His love and plans” in Waiting For Fruitfulness. Even before being married, infertility can be a weighty cross, even though at the end of the day there still is a trust in God’s plan. 

Maybe you’re navigating sharing about your infertility journey…

Many of us here are figuring out how to share about our struggles with family, friends and even coworkers. Perhaps you can take a couple lessons from Dana’s Boundaries series, where she reflects on how important it is to stop the “harmless” questions like “When are you having kids?” Remembering that even if they are well intentioned, you and your partner do not have to answer them and should set boundaries that protect your privacy and, more importantly, your emotional and physical health. Perhaps, like Rebecca and her husband, you are trying to find the “freedom that we’ve found in opening up about our journey.” By sharing the load, they found that those invasive questions stopped, and more caring ones started to come around. There can be comfort in being vulnerable with those we want to trust with this cross, even if that initial conversation or two is hard. 

Maybe family gatherings are something you dread…

If family gatherings are hard, perhaps our resource on preparing your heart for social gatherings, will provide some comfort. Praying before going to a potentially upsetting gathering, whether because an announcement might be made or because of thoughtless comments, might also be helpful. We want you to have tools in your pocket, because we all know how draining those types of get-togethers can be. All of our resources are meant to be tools you can always refer back to and practice, so don’t hesitate to exercise those muscles again and again. In her story, Faith shares that it is only in coming to a place of peace with God in reflecting on the Prodigal Son story that, “I could now see how every instance of experiencing another’s joy in the face of my own longing is sacred ground meant for deep personal encounter with my Father: an opportunity to allow Him to transform me from the embittered older sibling into the receptive prodigal daughter, who, moved by my hunger and longing, goes to Him only to find that He is already running full force towards me.” And we want you to be able to feel joy at those announcements and gatherings as well, even if we also know the hurt that can sit with the joy as well. 

Maybe you have lost a child… 

Our hearts go out deeply to you if you were pregnant and suffered the worst loss imaginable. You are not alone in your grief. In Miscarriage: Your story, you may relate to Lacy, who “spent a lot of time angry with God. I even went to confession because I was just so mad.” Or Annie who recalled how her marriage tested her faith, “but then made it stronger. I’ve focused on the stories in the Bible of women who lost babies or struggled with infertility, and realizing how many of them there are (especially in the Old Testament) helped me realize there are generations of women who have been in my shoes and felt the same way. Turning to scripture was grounding for me and gave me the resources to reignite my faith.” Chelsea’s reflection on St. Catherine of Sweden reminds us of all our saintly friends who walk beside us and walk with us in grief. We also want to remind you of Jude’s Garden on our website, where you can submit the name of a soul that was lost too soon due to miscarriage or stillbirth so we can all remember and pray for them.

Maybe you experience secondary infertility… 

We don’t want to forget those who are in a unique stage of infertility: secondary infertility. After Liz and her husband had one child, they waited “five long years filled with expectant hope, endless searching for answers and longing to see that positive pregnancy test.” May we all be encouraged by the lesson she learned and “seek Him with the same urgency you’ve been seeking answers to your infertility. Instead of searching the internet for answers, ask Him for answers.” Or perhaps you also feel “guilty at times as well. Guilty that I have living children that need me, love me and say funny things while others don’t. Sometimes I feel I should be silent when infertility conversations come up, lest someone experiencing primary infertility feel resentful that I have two and they have none, not realizing what hell we’ve experienced these past 10 years. Ironically, I fear judgment from the only group of women who might have an idea of what I’m going through.” Elizabeth’s honesty in her post on infertility with children touches a deep wound that not everyone may understand, but hopefully can bring comfort to people who also feel isolated. 

Maybe you have adopted or you're discerning adoption… 

For those who have adopted, that journey with infertility can look so different too. For those beginning to discern adoption, we would strongly encourage you to look at our adoption discernment resource. When the process can feel overwhelming, we want you to have something to help ground you as you discern such a major step. Or if you have already been through an adoption journey, perhaps Lauren’s Adoption Diaries series can make you feel seen when no one else around you understands. As she notes, “Deciding to walk towards adoption is a decision to let go of some of those dreams that you clung tightly to during your trying to conceive (TTC) journey.” That initial grief and mindset shift can also be read in Sonia-Maria’s reflection that “I did not get a positive pregnancy test. I got matched with a mother carrying a child she loved with all her heart, but was not equipped to parent. I did not get a gender reveal. I was told over the phone by our lawyer. I do not have an ultrasound picture. I wasn’t there for any of that. I did not have a pregnancy announcement. We told our families we were matched and then needed to explain what “being matched” meant. I did not have a baby shower. I was not guaranteed the baby would be ours.” Adoption is not an answer for everyone, and for those who do take up the cross, we want to show up in the hard times, but also where adoption was a choice of joy, as any call to parenthood should be. “I realized how blessed I was to still experience motherhood. I may have missed a lot of their earliest moments but in the end, I get to be my children’s mom each and every day,” Sonia-Maria concludes, and many adoptive or foster mothers have that same balance of grief and joy. 

We are here for you

We know how difficult this week may be. A reminder of the children not at your side. Of the grief and isolation that comes from this cross. But know we are here for you. That you are seen and heard, part of a community that has wounds like yours, even if they show up differently. We here at The Fruitful Hollow are holding you close this week, and we hope that even this small sampling of our resources bring you some comfort. 

We are praying for you.