Awaiting a child

Awaiting: to wait for; expect; look for. It is also expecting or looking forward to something, usually with a sense of urgency or excitement.

Waiting, on the other hand, is more neutral; simply staying in one place or delaying action until a particular time. 

We are now approaching the second Sunday of advent. Are you awaiting the birth of Jesus or just waiting for it to come around? Are you looking forward to His coming with a sense of urgency and excitement or are you feeling neutral about it, delaying action, knowing Christmas will come and go, and there’s always next year?

In the trenches of infertility, it may feel impossible to look forward to the birth of Jesus because that means another Christmas full of disappointments and unmet expectations. It may feel safer to just go through the motions than to make yourself vulnerable to Jesus. And if that’s you, I get it. I’ve been there. But maybe this year can be different. 

For those of us experiencing infertility in any capacity, we know a thing or two about awaiting. We aren’t just waiting for something to happen—we’re expecting, longing for, hoping, and praying with our whole hearts for a child. Does this sound familiar? It echoes the story of God’s people awaiting a Savior, the long-expected Messiah. Our deep desire for a child mirrors what was felt for generations: the longing for God’s promises to be fulfilled.

My husband and I have been awaiting another child for almost five years now: five long years filled with expectant hope, endless searching for answers and longing to see that positive pregnancy test. We’ve completed the laundry list of infertility to-dos: lab work for both of us, follicle tracking ultrasounds, medications, diets, supplements, NFP tracking, timed intercourse and of course lots of prayers and surrendering. And still, we await another child.  

I never expected this to be my situation. I became pregnant easily with my son, so I assumed it would be the same going forward. I was completely blindsided when it wasn’t happening for us. Year after year it became increasingly harder to accept our reality and to come to terms with our situation. I am so grateful for my son but I deeply desire to have more children. I didn’t know what to do when what I had been waiting for and expecting wasn’t coming to pass. I felt deeply disappointed with God and wrestled with my faith for several years.

Christmastime was always a hard season for me: year after year, all I could think about was the one gift God wasn’t giving me. Then one day, during prayer, I decided to ask Jesus the hard question: Why are you withholding the gift of another child from me?  

He gently spoke to my heart: “I am not withholding anything from you. The gift I have given you far surpasses what you are asking for. I have given you the opportunity to unite yourself so closely to Me through your sufferings. I have called you to deeper intimacy with Me, to fully surrender to Me and to feel My love and presence in a new way.”     

What I had seen as Him withholding a gift from me was actually Him giving me an even greater gift: the gift of Himself, His love and the grace to share in His suffering - a gift I would never have known had I not gone through infertility. This changed everything for me. 

Sister, as we prepare our hearts for the birth of our Savior, consider that God may want to give you a different gift than the one you have been asking for. Be open to what He does have for you, or the new perspective He wants to give you. 

Don’t just wait for Jesus this Advent, await Him. Seek Him with the same urgency you’ve been seeking answers to your infertility. Instead of searching the internet for answers, ask Him for answers. Notice the ways He is blessing you this week, instead of focusing only on what feels missing. Ask for the grace of His peace in a new way. He desires to meet you where you are and give you something uniquely yours. Be open to the gift He has for you.

Seek Him with urgency and excitement because He is awaiting you.