RESOURCE: Discerning Adoption

Ellen H.
May 28
11 min read

The Fruitful Hollow is an international ministry and can only advise on generalities. Adoption requirements and options vary widely depending on your country and your state/province/region. When considering options and requirements, it is important to consult resources specific to your region.

Included in this resource

Pages 1-3: First things first: taking time to grieve and heal, perspective, prayer, choose your team and gather supplies
Pages 3-5: Questions to ask yourself, to research, and to ask others
Page 5: Discernment aids
Page 6: Time to process and connect
Pages 7-10: Adoption discernment reflection worksheet (example and template)

First things first

Taking time to grieve and begin to heal

If you are dealing with infertility and considering adoption, you may have come to the decision to begin your discernment after months or years of waiting or stressful treatments or surgeries, you may be looking at next steps after receiving a challenging health diagnosis for you or your spouse, or perhaps you have sadly lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth. All of these things can take a toll on you spiritually, emotionally and physically, both as an individual and as a couple. It is important to take some time to grieve what has not worked out for you and to begin to heal from any inner wounds you may have received during this time.

While no one will ever “get over” their infertility and many of us will carry these wounds with us, it is important to give yourself time to breathe, grieve, accept the new reality and recover your inner and outer strength. Only then will you have the stamina needed for discerning and pursuing adoption if that ends up being the direction you choose. The amount of time you take could be anywhere from weeks or months to even years - every couple is different. Being in a healthier place mentally and emotionally will put you in a better position to hear God speak during your prayer time. Whatever decision you come to after your discernment process should be coming from a place of calm clarity, not out of desperation or grief. If months of Napro treatments have been unsuccessful in helping you to get pregnant, that’s an important thing to grieve as well. It’s important to be at peace with moving on from seeking treatment. In all circumstances, you need to have been able to grieve one journey before starting another. Ethical adoption agencies are looking for couples who are able to adopt from a healthy place and who are coming to the table looking to do what’s best for the child, not couples looking for a child to meet their own personal needs.

Things to consider during your time of healing and restoration:

A solo date for yourself
Fun and restorative dates with your spouse
A weekend getaway with your spouse
A social media cleanse
Time with your friends and family
Opportunities to invest in old and well loved hobbies or to explore new ones
Surround yourself with positive, supportive and understanding people
Spend time in places and experiences that feel healing and uplifting, not triggering
Take time to make your home a cozy, peaceful haven for you and your spouse

Perspective

Most couples experiencing infertility will be asked at one time or another “Have you considered adoption?” Remember, just because you are facing infertility, does not mean you are required to adopt. The call to adopt is a separate, beautiful calling of its own. Some people may be called to adopt while others may not. You are fulfilling God’s call to your vocation of marriage whether he calls you to adoption or to another mission as a married couple. In addition, remember that adoption may “resolve” your childlessness but it will not heal your infertility. This healing can only come from God alone and you can not place this burden or expectation on the child you would be adopting. Anyone considering adoption wants to make sure they are seeking it due to an inner call from our Lord, not just to “fix” the wound or emptiness they feel due to infertility.

Prayer

Commit to taking time daily to pray as individuals and as a couple that you may truly hear God’s voice and know where he is calling you in your marriage. Consider asking a few trusted individuals to pray for your discernment as well: these individuals could be your pastor or spiritual director, a close friend, or someone from your bible study or prayer group.

Choose your team

When discerning, it is crucial for us to be able to clearly hear our own hearts and God’s voice. Adding too many other voices during this time of discernment can really make our brains and hearts feel very muddled and can make proper discernment much harder. Be intentional about not adding too many voices to the mix by choosing carefully who you inform about your journey of discernment. Choose a few select friends, maybe a family member or two, and a spiritual mentor (friend, priest, spiritual director). Choose people who you know will support you either way, who will listen well and who will ask you the questions that will help you better listen to yourself and to God. Adding someone to your circle who has experience with adoption may be beneficial for you, but make sure they are able to offer a balanced and objective perspective. This person should be one who can encourage you to hear God’s specific calling in your life, not pressure you to adopt because they did it themselves, nor deter you from following God’s call because they personally had a negative experience.

Gather supplies

Discernment can involve processing a lot of information. Find a way to keep yourself organized, whether it be a Google doc or a dedicated notebook or binder. You’ll want one central place to keep track of information you find, to answer our suggested reflection questions below, and to jot down any questions, concerns or “gut feelings” you have as you sort through the information. Keep some healthy snacks and drinks on hand for any “research sessions” or dedicated chats with your spouse.

Questions to ask yourself

The questions below will be relevant regardless of where you live. Take some time to reflect on these questions individually and then together as a couple. If you find yourselves on different pages regarding adoption, you may want to take a look at our “Discernment as a couple” resource.

Do I feel like I have the emotional and mental capacity to discern a new chapter or are we still exhausted from our most recent infertility journey?
Why do I want to adopt?
What nudges have we felt towards adoption?
Are we feeling called to adoption or rather expected/pressured to look into it?
Are we willing to pause NaPro treatments and surgeries and focus solely on the adoption journey? (Some agencies may require you to stop all treatments before pursuing adoption.)
Are we both on the same page when it comes to adoption? Am I wanting to adopt primarily so that my spouse can stop being sad? Am I pursuing adoption primarily to please my spouse?
How do I feel about welcoming a non-biological child into our family?
How do I feel about not being pregnant, or not sharing physical traits with my child?
Are we open to a child with special needs? Am I willing to put forth the time and effort needed to find and give my child the necessary services to help them reach their full potential (ie: doctor’s appointments, counseling services, physical or speech therapy, etc)?
Research “trauma-informed care for adoption”. Am I willing to learn more on this topic and how it may affect my child? Am I willing to support my child in whatever way he or she may need?
How do I feel about supporting a child’s cultural background if it is different from my own?
How do I feel about dealing with the emotional uncertainty of adoption (waiting for a match, not being chosen by an expectant mother after speaking with her, expectant parents changing their mind, etc)?
How do I feel about forming a relationship with an adoptive child’s birth family (or community connections if adopting an older child)?
What age of child would we be interested in adopting?
Are we open to adopting older children or sibling groups?
Would my family be supportive of us pursuing adoption? Would they be supportive of us if we adopted a child of a different race than our own?
What support systems do we have in place for ourselves as individuals and as a couple? Who is our “village” who would be there for us during the application process as well as once we brought a child home?
What questions or concerns do I have about adoption? How can I change these concerns into a question that can be pursued? For example: “I am concerned about finances” can be changed into “How much does each type of adoption cost? What are the options available for financing an adoption?”
Does my region provide any financial assistance/tax write-offs for adoption?
Do we have the financial resources to adopt privately? If not, are we interested/comfortable with public adoption?
Are we pursuing adoption only as a last resort (as opposed to its own strong calling)?
Are we comfortable with the idea that we may not have any medical background or family history for a child that we might adopt?
Are we okay with the fact that we may not be present at the birth? Or have any pictures of ultrasounds? Or have any control over what the birth mother is doing while pregnant?
Have we grieved the ideal we had pictured for a pregnancy announcement, gender reveal or baby shower since it may look different with adoption?
Am I willing to work through emotionally challenging thoughts and feelings that may arise during the adoption journey? Common thoughts include: another woman will make my husband a father, I’ll be raising a child biologically fathered by another man, etc.

Questions to research

Answers to these questions will vary based on city, province/state/region and country.

What is the general adoption process where I live?
- Locate the government website for adoption in your region/city/province/state and take some time to read it though. That site will generally tell you what the options are for your location, and may link to the agencies available in your area. It should also inform you about the process, such as whether there is regionally-required training or screenings.
What are the adoption options where I live?
- Using the government website you found above, do some research to discover what options are available to you. Are both domestic and international adoptions possible? Do you have the option of both private and public adoption or only public adoption? Are newborn adoptions available where you live, or can you only foster to adopt toddlers and older children?
What adoption agencies are available for my region?
- What types of adoption (public, private, domestic, international) do they support?
- What are their eligibility requirements?
- What is their application process and required documents and references?
- What are the estimated costs/fees associated with adoption? (Be aware that fees will be drastically depending on whether it is a public or private adoption.)
- What are the rights of adoptive parents/birth parents in my state/province/region? How much time must pass after birth before birth parents are allowed to sign over their consent to adopt? How many days do birth parents have to revoke their decision?
- If you are considering inter-state adoption/adoptions from outside of your region, what agencies are available to facilitate that? What special requirements are involved with adopting outside of your region? For example, are you required to stay in the state in which you are adopting for 2 weeks before crossing state lines?
- If you are looking into international adoption, you will likely need to look into the above questions for each country/agency you would consider for international adoption. Each country will have its own eligibility requirements (age, medical history, marital status), travel requirements and process as well as different ages of children that are available for adoption.
What are the recommended guidelines to ensure that an adoption/adoption agency is ethical? Take some time to research this topic and then review your local agency options according to these guidelines. Some agencies will be better than others.
- For example: Agencies should focus on finding the right home/family for the child, not just on finding the right child for YOU. Consider the types of support provided to birth parents: are they pressured or incentivized to place their children for adoption? Are they given a wide range of counseling support, enabling them to access information and support for both parenting and adoption in order to make an informed decision? Are they given their own legal representation during the adoption process?

Questions to ask others

Do I know anyone else who has adopted or been adopted that I could speak to?
Do we have any questions that weren’t able to be answered purely through research?
Are there any agencies that support adoptive or prospective adoptive parents that might be able to help us answer those questions or give us some perspective?

Discernment aids

Take a look at our resource: “Discerning the next best step”
Take a look at our resource: “Discernment as a couple”
Private and public adoption/foster agencies may have information nights you can attend to learn more about the process and options you can pursue with them.
Consider asking your regional adoption headquarters if you are allowed to take the required adoption certification course without signing up for an official home study/signing up with an agency. While you may be required to pay for the certification course, it may prove to be a wealth of information helping you in the discernment process.
Review the helpful discernment question checklist at Waiting to Belong
Springs of Love is a wonderful organization devoted to helping Catholic couples discern whether they are called to adoption or foster care.
Ask your pastor if they know of any couples in your parish who have adopted who you might be able to connect with.

Time to process

Take the time to really chat through the above questions and research results with your spouse. You may prefer doing this in the privacy of your home, or you may find it easier to chat about on a walk outside or during a visit to your favorite local pub. In addition, realize that the amount of information to process when discerning and researching adoption can be overwhelming and paralyzing. There is no race or deadline by which you must decide. Sometimes, it may be helpful to take a few weeks or months in between research sessions or chats with your spouse to pray, process and check in on where you feel God is leading you. Take time to ask yourselves: after all of the praying and researching we have done, do we still feel called to adoption? If both you and your spouse feel excited, go ahead and take the next step. If either one of you is feeling hesitant or conflicted, take a pause. Feeling conflicted or uncertain isn’t something you can force yourself though. There may be some questions or concerns that you genuinely want to research and find answers to that may assuage a particular concern. But if not, and you’re just genuinely unsure if you should move forward, take a break. Keep praying, but take a break from research and chatting about it. Invest in your spiritual health, mental health and marital health and allow God to speak to you through the everyday. In time, He will continue to nudge you in the right direction. And if you and your spouse both feel this isn’t the right time or the right direction for you, take some time to grieve that closed option and to also celebrate that step in your discernment. Continuing praying together and connecting with each other, trusting that God will lead you into your next chapter.

Time to connect

Discerning adoption can be mentally and emotionally draining. Make sure to take time to connect with your spouse outside of the discernment process to invest in and care for each other, and to have fun together. Whether or not you choose to move forward with adoption, your relationship will need to be in a strong place, so make sure to invest in your primary vocation - each other! Schedule regular date nights away from all of the research for some time to have fun and reconnect. It’s important to remind each other that regardless of whether or not you move forward with adoption or whether or not you get an adoptive match, your vocation still matters, your spouse is still God’s gift for you to cherish, and God still has great plans for you individually and as a couple. Don’t lose sight of these important truths.

Printable Worksheets

Click to download your own printable “Discernment as a couple” worksheets, which include both an example page and a blank template for you to fill out with your own plan.