It’s my turn
“BABIES! BABIES! BABIES!”
This is what our close friends chanted as we exited our wedding venue. Having participated in that same cheer at previous weddings, I was so happy it was FINALLY my turn! And then, something horrible happened. We miscarried. A few months later, we were diagnosed with infertility. Everything in me broke!
As we began our married life, we kept being told: “be fruitful!” It was all we wanted. We could not wait to grow our family. But when infertility became the third wheel, this whole “being fruitful” thing now seemed an impossible task. It took me a few years to understand that what made us, an infertile couple, fruitful would be far different than what we had expected. We just had to think outside the box.
A wound that festers
When you receive an infertility diagnosis, your dreams fall into an abyss of sadness and despair. You go through stages of grief over and over again. You wonder if you will ever heal from this deep wound that placed itself – too comfortably – in your heart. You seek support, only to be met with limited resources made available to you (at least, when I was in the thick of it ). Being unable to find a community that understood my plight made me feel even more lonely. My wound caused by my inability to be fruitful in obvious ways in my marriage only festered and kept growing at a rapid pace. No matter how many books, blogs, medical tests, medications, hormones, supplements, prayers and diet changes, our infertility remained a permanent resident in our marriage. Nothing was comforting. It was such a hard season of married life. Everyone was going about being fruitful and merry while we remained wilted and thirsting for life to be created.
And then, while randomly searching for something in the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), this article came up:
“Spouses to whom God has not granted children can nevertheless have a conjugal life full of meaning, in both human and Christian terms. Their marriage can radiate a fruitfulness of charity, of hospitality, and of sacrifice.” (1654 CCC)
Look at that! Turns out there is a way to be fruitful even with infertility! It was the fuel I needed to get myself and my husband geared up for our “fruitful while infertile” journey. We had to look at our daily activities as opportunities for spiritual parenthood, services to others and charity.
Fruitful opportunities
We started with our jobs. My husband is a pediatric doctor, so all his patients are children. He started channeling his energies towards praying more for his patients – especially those needing more medical assistance. When one of his patients passed away, we prayed for their soul and comfort for their families. He made sure his patients and their families knew he cared for them, both medically and spiritually. As a Creighton teacher, I prayed for and with couples experiencing infertility. I practiced active listening. I needed them to know their pain was being heard. I became empathetic to what they were going through because I could connect with their own suffering. If they experienced a miscarriage, I spent time listening to them and joining my tears to theirs. If they successfully achieved a pregnancy, I would send a small gift. I was blessed to even meet some of the children we all prayed for. I still hear from them, from time to time. It brings me so much happiness to know I was a prayer partner in their darkest and brightest moments.
Our circle of friends and family was also an area where fruitfulness was possible. When we visited our siblings, we made sure to spend time with our nieces, nephews and godchildren. We asked about their school and friends and we have some beautiful pictures with them. We babysat a couple of times and it gave us a glimpse of what it would be like to be parents. With our friends, we offered to babysit when they needed a break. It was our way of being of service to others. It was not always easy being surrounded by children – it was, at times, more of a sacrifice. It was an opportunity to not only be of service but also to learn about patience, joy and living in the moment.
Brave, resilient and joyful
Our most fruitful achievement as an infertile couple was sharing our story. Transforming my vulnerability into strength made it easier to share my wound with others. I often say my infertility is my gift. Without it, I would not be the person I am today. It’s not what I wanted my motherhood to be, but it gifted me with active listening, a more prayerful life, a desire to help those who are alone and I became an advocate for women’s health via natural family planning. In doing so, my wound was healing. It no longer festered. It was now a scar that reminded me that through the darkness, I came out brave, resilient and joyful.
In utilizing what we were given by God, we found a way to be fruitful. It was easier now to be around children and other expectant mothers. Instead of stewing in our sadness, we found joy and purpose in our marriage. If you, my dear sister in Christ, are in this challenging situation, know you are not alone. I pray for you each day. Your wound will heal, but it will take some time, prayer and a lot of faith.
I leave you with this prayer:
Dear Lord,
I find myself plagued with a deep-rooted desire I am unable to quench.
Only Your strength can heal this wound that is nestled in my heart and soul.
Transform this suffering into something beautiful and blessed.
Lead me to You always.
Guide me in my surroundings so I may serve in Your name.
Help me seek those opportunities to be fruitful.
Grant me calm and peace as I slowly find joy amidst the sadness.
Amen
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