Katie S. and C. J. Parke live on different continents but met up in person for one short day in 2023, saw Wicked on stage together and their friendship was changed for good. Here are their musings on some relatable musical moments.
Wishing only wounds the heart
By Katie S.
I’ve been a die-hard Wicked fan ever since I first saw it on stage in 2007 so the lyrics to those incredible songs were not new to me when I saw the movie recently. And yet, for the first time, these words caught my attention.
Don’t wish… Don’t start… Wishing only wounds the heart.
Doesn’t that perfectly articulate the all-too-familiar fear of getting your hopes up, lest they get dashed again? Years of infertility gradually taught me that the more I dared to hope, the greater the disappointment each month. The more I let my mind run wild with imagining what life might look like in 9 months’ time if this were to be “our month”, the more devastated I felt when it wasn’t. And yet the alternatives - either despair or acceptance - both felt hard to face. And so I let my levels of hope oscillate over the years and would try to guard my heart against too much daydreaming about that best-case scenario.
A few years ago, I had 3 surgeries in the space of 6 months. When my surgeon came to my hospital bed after the final surgery to debrief me, he was full of optimism: “I look forward to receiving an ultrasound image from you when you get pregnant!” How could I resist letting his hope rub off on me and indulging in a little dreaming? That night, recovering in hospital, I couldn’t sleep. I was on a high from the promising outcome of the surgery and, for the first time in years, I let myself ponder baby names and looked forward to sharing my ideas with my husband when he collected me the next day. I decided to surf this wave of hope and enjoy that adrenaline rush even though I knew that it probably wouldn’t last. I imagined telling our family the exciting news, I pictured our spare room as a nursery and I got well and truly carried away with it all.
Every so often we long to steal to the land of what-might-have-been. That doesn’t soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in.
Months later, still not pregnant, I was no longer so convinced by my surgeon’s optimism. I would often think back to that night and whilst I didn’t regret enjoying the fresh wave of joyful optimism while I had it, I couldn’t quite get it back, however hard I tried. And whenever I did try, the contrast with how I felt now almost stung.
Don’t remember that rush of joy.
Living with infertility but still working towards growing your family can be a constant balance of holding onto a medium-term hope that you'll be blessed with a baby but not pouring all of your emotional energy into the short-term hope of that happening this month. It is exhausting. And yet if we continue to pray for a miracle then we have to hold onto at least a shred of hope that God will grant it, otherwise we have no faith in the power of prayer. Sometimes it’s a fervent hope, boosted by some hopeful test results or some consolation that comes to us in prayer, and sometimes it’s just that - a shred.
I’m not that girl
By C. J. Parke
If you ask any of my close friends which Broadway character I’m most like, they would definitely say Glinda from “Wicked”. In fact, my best friend and I will call each other Elphie and Glinda. It’s one of only two musicals I’ve seen four times. With the new movie coming out, I of course went to an early showing and was blown away. What I wasn’t expecting was to see a shift in how much “I’m not that girl,” a gentle, longing song of unrequited love, really played on my mind and related to my infertility journey.
She’s who winsome, she wins him.
You could be the one with the “blithe smile” and “lithe limb,” but that doesn’t mean you’re getting everything you want. As someone with a man who is everything I could want, there’s still an ache we can both feel because a diagnosis means there is no way we can have biological kids. Everything else is wonderful and may appear so on the outside, but you can still have a hole a mile wide and deep in your heart over something you don’t have. You would give up the perfect smile and all the money and the otherwise healthy body or good fortune to just hold your own baby in your arms.
This is also a reminder of how much we compare ourselves to each other: how often do we just see the good given to others? For Elphaba, she sees Fiyero longing after Glinda and therefore only sees what is appealing about Glinda. But later on (and a slight spoiler for the musical/second movie), we see Glinda singing a reprise of this very song when she realizes Fiyero actually loves Elphaba and all the “wicked witch” is and stands for. We lose sight of who we are: the good qualities that make us loving partners, friends, and family members as well as the flaws we harp on way too much sometimes. May you remember the “blithe smile” and “lithe limbs” that you yourself have.
That's the girl he chose… And Heaven knows, I'm not that girl.
So you’ve seen the latest pregnancy announcement, or perhaps you are at the baby shower and all the moms are chatting about kids or pregnancy. And that deep, bitter, guttural sense of abandonment and inferiority gnaws away at you. “Great to see you love her, God,” you think, fighting back tears and resentment as you go through the gestures until you can go home and curl up with some ice cream.
How often do we feel unfavored? Passed over by Love as we watch God gift someone else with the very thing we so long for. That absolute certainty that you’ll never be the favored one. Sure, maybe our skin isn’t green, but we are marked just as much as Elphaba with a body that is judged and “broken” through no fault of our own. So we sit waiting in the wings as the light and love shines on someone else time and time again.
It’s the worst feeling in the world, wondering when God will grant you your deepest desire, but month after month goes by with no success, despite every attempt to correct the wrongness. It’s ok if you feel that. Sisters, just know there are so many of us there with you.
There's a girl I know. He loves her so… I’m not that girl.
The last lines of the song, one final moment of defeat for Elphaba as Glinda goes off with Fiyero. Sisters, please know how much you are actually so deeply loved by God and those around you. Maybe you’re in a spot where you see God answering that deepest prayer of yours for someone else, but know He is there. You are as precious to Love Itself as the woman in the pew in front of you with five kids. We need both the Glindas and Elphabas of the world to make it a better, brighter place. But it’s so hard to see your sense of worth when the other people in your life are seemingly so blessed when you’re waiting for your deepest prayer to be answered.
Glinda starts her story as a shallow, naive woman until Elphaba opens her eyes to another perspective of how the world really is. We cannot change unless we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and accept vulnerability in return. Allow yourself the love and community around you, even when you feel like there is no one, even God, who loves you. And perhaps that way, we can all be changed… for good.
We're holding you tight in prayer, dear sisters.
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