Suffering in silence

Infertility is deeply personal. Some people might choose to “suffer in silence” because for personal reasons they don't want to talk about infertility with many others. Some people feel they can't because it's taboo in their culture or family. Some may have tried to talk about it and didn't receive a supportive response. There are many reasons you might remain private about your infertility so we opened up the discussion to some of our writers to share their experiences. 

Why did you suffer in silence? 

Brittany: I don't actually see it as suffering in silence. I see it as cocooning myself and my husband in love and light. I see it as protecting us from negative comments that have a great impact on our mindset which we work so hard to keep positive and grounded in God's promises.

Phillippa: Being away from my family made it difficult to approach such a sensitive subject matter. It's not something one wishes to speak of over the phone or by email. Therefore, I made the decision to suffer in silence because it felt like there was no one to listen to my pain. I had tried a few times and was either met with silence or comments that carried no empathy in them. It didn't help that I was not surrounded by others carrying the same cross. It was challenging to be “the infertile one” while other family members were able to conceive. We had some family who experienced miscarriages but we were the only ones that never were able to conceive after losing our first child to a miscarriage. It was painful to not feel seen or heard. It was even more painful to not have anyone check in on me. It was not a secret to anyone but it felt like family gatherings were not the appropriate occasion for such talk, since we were usually visiting to celebrate a baptism or First Communion or Christmas. It was a choice I made, but it made my journey even more lonely. 

Mary: I did suffer in silence, but I don’t think for very long because I did start talking about it. I think I was silent because I was embarrassed and also not completely sure I couldn’t get pregnant; in denial.

Lynn McD: We kept our struggle private for some time mostly because we didn’t want others to think we were complaining. We didn’t think they would understand what we were going through and that we needed to find out as much information as possible about our options and medical situation before sharing it with others. It was 4.5 years before we began talking about it with a few close relatives. 

Colette: It felt like taboo to talk about it in my family, perhaps because in past generations it had been. We never talk about sex in my family, and talking about infertility borders on talking about your sex life. I didn't want to feel uncomfortable myself or make others uncomfortable. But I think I also just felt like it was such a private matter that I didn't want to open up to anyone and everyone. (I remember saying to my husband that talking openly about our infertility would feel like throwing open our bedroom door and exposing ourselves to judgement, opinions and unsolicited advice.) As the years went by, I tentatively opened up to individual friends who I was very close to, and then to friends who I suspected were going through the same thing. Eventually I had a number of supportive friends I could talk to but that support network grew very gradually. Once I was going through treatment and having surgeries, there was something more concrete to talk about. It felt less awkward to talk about once it involved medical diagnoses, as opposed to the years where we were just trying and praying and waiting. 

Susan: My husband has had a hard time processing it. There are some beliefs about others looking at us like we are broken and with pity. Thinking we should just “fix” it. He believes it is something just between us and no one else’s business. Also, he doesn’t have a lot of witnesses to other Catholics who have discerned not pursuing adoption or continued medical intervention so it makes it feel more isolating and reinforced the “broken” belief. Out of respect to him while he is processing, we don’t openly discuss it with others unless we talk about it together first. I have also struggled with being accepted and received as I am with this cross which makes me hesitant to share openly.

Brandy: "I suffered in silence for a few reasons. At some point, I was tired of getting well-meaning but hurtful responses from people who learned about my infertility. When I was going through secondary infertility, I told myself that I didn't "need" to suffer; I already had two children and I decided it wasn't going to help anything for me to suffer. It took me a couple of years to realize that I was hiding my suffering and sadness (it did exist, whether or not I wanted to acknowledge it) not only from my friends and family, but also from God.

When you realized you had to (or chose to) suffer in silence, what or who helped you on that journey?

Brittany: I have done therapy work around boundaries, and have read amazing books to support my understanding of when and who I feel comfortable sharing such a personal part of my life with. I highly recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud!

Phillippa: It was during confession that I got that help. For the longest time, I felt so alone in my sorrow. It took a priest, during confession, to show me that I was rejecting God's love and help during this difficult season. I started looking up to Jesus differently. I began to see Him as my comforter. I felt Him crying through my tears. I felt Him holding me during those darker days.

Mary: Stepping out of the silence and talking about it greatly helped. I remember when I wrote my first blog, things started to change because it was shockingly received so well and with such compassion. That emboldened me to continue sharing how painful it all was. I also started to notice how it helped other women. Not everyone has to blog, but it helps to find some way to share and process grief (even if that means doing so anonymously until you're more comfortable). The grief has to go somewhere.

Lynn McD: Knowing how supportive my husband was and that we could talk through the emotional roller coaster together helped a lot. If I didn’t have a husband who listened and encouraged me so well, I’m not sure how I would have endured it. Prayer also helped get me through the triggers. I have enjoyed going for walks and taking up new hobbies like puzzle making and board game and movie nights with my husband. Lots of travel helped too.

Colette: Nothing is easy about suffering in silence. I went to therapy because I needed a way to process what I was going through. This was incredibly helpful and, over time, it gave me the tools, the courage and the vocabulary to open up to others. 

Susan: Sisters of Hannah and a good mentor from CatholicPsych. Also revisiting it with him and trying to process it more. Praying about it. 

Brandy: It helped me to finally bring my sorrow to God directly. I'd cried so much during my primary infertility and I didn't want to have to be there again during my secondary infertility. It took me a couple of years into secondary infertility to allow myself to cry over it. I had to learn to find a balance of acknowledging my sadness and allowing myself to suffer while not sinking into sadness and getting stuck there (like I had done during my primary infertility). 

Are you still carrying the cross of infertility in silence? If not, what broke the silence? If so, how do you feel about the silence now?

Brittany: I am not carrying the cross of infertility in silence. The number one thing that broke my silence was reaching out to our parish priest and asking for the sacrament of anointing of the sick. I believe this helped heal my silence and made me realize that God does not intend for us to suffer in silence and is always with us. 

Phillippa: I am more open about it since I have found the Sisters of Hannah and the Fruitful Hollow. It has been so helpful to be able to share my pain, even though it was experienced in the past. I have made great strides in healing in my infertility journey. But, on occasion, I still get bothered by a pregnancy announcement, so I am blessed that I have a community available to me. I now hope to spread the word about this ministry so that no other woman or man is suffering in silence.

Mary: No. I have been talking about it publicly and privately for many years now. A blog broke the silence for me then I continued to respectfully speak up for myself in friend groups. Now I give talks about it. Everyone has to share in their own way that feels safe and in their own time, but I think too much silence only fuels the grief.

Lynn McD: Not anymore. When we decided to move forward with adoption after exhausting the medical options we were comfortable with, we felt it was time to include our family and friends on this part of our journey. People had to take time to wrestle with their own emotions and grief. We realized that they felt they needed to share some advice about all the things we had already decided on and that was a challenge but once we navigated that process we found so much more support than we could have imagined. People genuinely cared about us and began to be more sensitive about how different things might be painful or triggering. They also were overwhelmingly supportive as we moved forward with our adoption process.

Colette: Once I had a miscarriage, I was more keen to talk about my infertility and loss because I desperately wanted my baby's life to be known about and valued by others. So you could say that the short life of my baby broke my silence. I went on to have a living baby and I now talk a lot more openly about my infertility because it's a part of the story of my daughter's life. When I meet new mom friends and I'm asked if this is my first baby, I often share about my miscarried son and about my infertility. This has caused moments of deep connection with new friends because vulnerability does that, and often it has made others share about similar experiences with me. I wouldn't say I regret suffering in silence, because I know I wasn't ready to share details of this cross until many years into the journey. I do however ache for past me who had no outlet for her pain, and I still carry deep wounds from that time. 

Susan: Yes, it’s a little more open now. My mentor helped me discern taking the risk of talking about it with others. You can decide if you want to take the risk of sharing everything or nothing or a little in between. I think it is important to find a few people to process it with so you don’t deny or stuff the feelings down. There is a lot of room for temptation when you go it alone and the Lord wants us to live in community.

Brandy: I still don't always know how to voice my experience to others because I know my experience is unique and never completely relatable. I don't want to approach those going through infertility with an attitude of understanding exactly what they're going through, and also those who haven't experienced infertility have trouble understanding my experience. I mostly have just learned to become open with sharing with others that "I experienced infertility and it was hard" and allowing the conversation to open (or not) as the Spirit wills it to.