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  • Writer's pictureKristin D.

My infertility creed, part 2: Maker of heaven and earth

(This is an excerpt from “The Spiritual Advent of Infertility” manuscript. This is the second in a 4-part series. You can find the links to parts 1, 3, and 4 at the end of this blog.)


In part 1, we looked at the following passage from the Nicene Creed:

I believe in one God,the Father almighty,maker of heaven and earth,of all things visible and invisible.


The Catechism of the Catholic Church reminds us that: 

“The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 27)


The God of creation made everything that is, and there are still so many things He has not yet made. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I must believe that because He is God and I am not that there is a great meaning hidden within the experiences of my life and yours. There are so many “why” and “what if” questions that can enter into the mind of an individual struggling with infertility. These are called “existential questions” because they pertain to a search for deeper meaning. Each woman and man can define that meaning for themselves. The task of every Christian is to find God in the midst of the chaos.


For me, I believe that there is a mystery so far beyond my capacity for understanding that if my womb were to touch that very reality of God’s creative genius, it would break. I do not know if I will ever have children. I have hope that someday I will. In the meantime I draw inspiration from the life of faith. “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)


To fully realize hope and understand what is not seen is to embrace an existence of something that is not concrete. To embrace infertility is to embrace the spiritual fertility of my soul and to love my body which is a gift from God and by its very nature expresses God's enduring love. Have you ever thought of that before? You and your body, with all its imperfections, are a masterpiece from God! I understand that for many of us, this acceptance does not replace the longing for a child, but it is a truth that invites us to a deeply fulfilling calling even in this present life. If we believe we are only valuable, loveable or useful if we bear a child, then we only see a distorted view of ourselves and God. You, right now, in the present are more than enough for God, for your husband, for this world.


When our adoption fell through, I had already given up my job. I had sold out for what I believed was God’s will at the time. There I was, on vacation with my husband and family, with great expectation that when I returned home we would have a baby in our care. With one phone call, that dream and that plan came crashing to the ground. My first thought was: What am I to do with my life now?



I appealed to my former boss for the opportunity to return to work. They welcomed me back with open arms. However, I struggled with the idea of returning to a job that did not utilize my gifts. I was longing for something more. With very few adoption prospects on the horizon, I was faced with that very challenging question again: What am I to do with my life now?  


For several years, I had put life on hold, working a job that was less than satisfying in the hopes that in due time, I would become a mom. While hoping for a life that was not mine to live at the time, I came to realize that I was wasting my gifts away in a career that was stifling my passions. So, I continued to search for a means to use my gifts and satisfy my longing to serve in a life-giving way. While I had been waiting for a child to cherish and raise, while I had dreamed of using my God-given gifts toward motherhood, had I rejected my gifts of writing, empathy and counsel for a job that is not the design of God?


I took a leap of faith and set out on a journey that has filled me with greater life, deeper joy and greater opportunity to share peace with others. My spirit came back to life when I looked through the moments of my daily experiences and saw that God was calling me to bear life through a gift that had always been with me: my writing.


If you are struggling with a mundane occupation or the monotony of delayed plans while waiting, if you are feeling a nudge in a particular direction that is good and pure, then do not be afraid to let go of your fears and pursue it. God has planted every true and noble desire on our heart for a reason. There is a time to hold tight and persevere through difficulties, and there are other times when God invites us to be open and enjoy a different route. If you see that path open, share with your spouse, pray about it together, and when God makes it as clear as day, go and pursue it with abandon. What great gifts and inspirations will fill your life as joyful tokens of God’s love!


Questions for reflection

  • What desires are written on your heart?

  • How do you share those desires with others?

  • How do you share those desires with God? 

  • How might God be revealing Himself to you through this cross?


Action steps

  • Spend time in nature and reflect on the words “God created… and said that it was good”.

  • Spend time in adoration before the Blessed Sacrament this week and invite God to show you some small steps you can take each day to deepen your relationship with Him.


Prayer

Dear Loving Father, You created me and You love me. Help me to trust in You. Whatever barrier, whatever fears, whatever doubts I may have, I surrender to You. Be the God of my heart and let me be Your beloved child, even in this moment. Amen.


 

Click on the links below to continue reading the series, "My infertility creed", by Kristin D.

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