A litany of surrender for infertility

The call to surrender – to let go and let God – is woven into the very fabric of our identity as Christians; but it is known in a particular way by those women bearing the burden of infertility. Those of us who have experienced the agony of being unable to conceive when it is the deepest desire of our hearts know without a doubt what it means to yield to a reality we cannot control. 

I think that’s why, at one point in my journey, “surrender” became a trigger word for me. It was another burden (on top of the heavy cross I was already shouldering) to have to somehow figure out how to “surrender”. It was another box I was attempting to check. Another thing I was trying, in vain, to get right. Surrender is literally defined as “relinquishing control or possession of something”. Surrendering my fertility up to God somehow felt like defeat; I began to believe the lie that quietly slipped in which suggested that in order to surrender, I had to throw in the towel on trying and hoping to one day conceive again. It went on this way for months – the Lord, gently beckoning me to surrender and I, resisting, arguing back to him that I didn’t want to give up on this desire etched into the deepest parts of my heart.

One snowy Saturday afternoon, God suddenly burst in and, all at once, transformed my understanding of surrender forever. I was in line for confession at my parish, when the Lord brought a poignant memory to the forefront of my mind:

She is five. The wind ripples through her hair as she runs across the playground, clinging tightly to her most prized possession: a pink and white baby blanket she affectionately calls “meemo”. I watch as she attempts to swing, slide and tag her older brother, all while keeping her precious cargo pressed tightly to her. 

Finally, she runs over to me and tosses the blanket into my arms calling out “Keep this safe for me”. She runs enthusiastically back into the freedom of childhood, not even a second glance cast to the one item she refuses to go anywhere without. Now she can swing, slide and tag without meemo snagging, ripping or tripping her up – she trusts it is safe with me.

I heard him whisper to my heart “this is why I desire your surrender. So you can be as free as she is to live your life with joy.” 

Tears streamed down my face as the realization struck. Surrender wasn’t another cross I was being asked to shoulder, but a gift God was trying to give me. It wasn’t to appease Him, it was what would allow Him to finally set me free. Surrendering my infertility and my desire for another child to Him didn’t mean I could no longer have that desire - it meant I could trust that my most precious desire is safe with Him. It meant taking up a yoke that is light and easy, instead of feeling the weight of the world pressing down at every turn. 

I firmly believe He desires the same for you, sister. Your experience with infertility is not something you’re meant to merely grin and bear, or to “offer up” without any hope of consolation. He desires freedom for you. Peace. Goodness. Joy. He doesn’t want to snatch anything away from you; rather, He wants to tend to the most precious places in your heart with abundant love and care.

Surrendering our will and desires to God is not admitting defeat, it's claiming a victory far greater than the one we could ever obtain on our own. The practicalities of surrender will look a little different for every person, but I believe the foundation for surrender is the same for all of us: relationship. An intimate relationship with the Lord, which can be forged only through prayer steeped in vulnerability. 

So, be candid with the Lord, sisters, in your requests and your questions. Ask for specifics: specific timelines and answers. Give specifics, too. If you’re angry, hurt or even distrusting, share all of that with Him. Then search the scriptures for His promises to you. Write them down and cling to them. Declare these truths over your life, your spouse, your marriage. When doubts come, hold them up to the light of Christ and let His love illuminate what is true and what is not. Declare what is true and rebuke the rest, in His name. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, know that surrender is never “one and done”. It is a continuous journey that requires stepping out in faith not just once, but over and over again. 

That’s why I believe the Holy Spirit led me to write a litany (litany being defined as a “repetitive series”) for those bearing the cross of infertility. I humbly share this with you, praying that it will bless you and help you to surrender to the One whose ways are higher than ours.

A litany for those bearing the cross of infertility

In moments of deep longing and heartache,

Abide with me Lord

In the cyclical grief that infertility can cause,

Abide with me Lord

When my grief is misunderstood or missed by others,

Abide with me Lord

In the wait for answers,

Abide with me Lord

In the process of discerning how to proceed,

Abide with me Lord

From the lie that this cross must isolate me from others,

Deliver me Jesus

From the lie that my heart can only be satisfied in motherhood,

Deliver me Jesus

From the lie that my marriage cannot be fruitful in this season,

Deliver me Jesus

From the strain that grief and disappointment can place on my marriage,

Deliver me Jesus

From the lie that you are withholding good things from me,

Deliver me Jesus

From the lie that you are indifferent to my hurt,

Deliver me Jesus

From the temptation to compare my blessings and crosses to those of others,

Deliver me Jesus

From the temptation to place my worth in achieving pregnancy,

Deliver me Jesus

From the temptation to expect children as a “right” rather than receive them as a gift,

Deliver me Jesus

From the temptation to despair,

Deliver me Jesus

In Your goodness, graciousness and provision,

Lord, renew my hope

In Your promise to bring forth beauty from my sufferings,

Lord, renew my hope

In the assurance that You will provide all that I need in this life for my sanctification,

Lord, renew my hope

In the sincere belief that Your ways are higher than my ways and Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts,

Lord, renew my hope

In my identity as your beloved daughter, 

Lord, renew my hope

In Your identity as my kind and loving Father,

Lord, renew my hope

In the glory that awaits me in my heavenly homeland,

Lord, renew my hope

Jesus, I beg that you would help me to shoulder the burden of infertility with the same love and surrender with which You bore Your cross. Console me, Holy Spirit, as I strive to release all of my desires into the safety of Your Most Sacred Heart. Father, help me to embrace Your will and receive the deep healing and profound grace You long to lavish upon me. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!

Amen.