When fertility is gone: infertility to menopause

It felt like it vanished without a trace. I went from having periods to no periods at all. Yes, I knew I was in perimenopause. Yes, I knew my periods would become far less regular. Yes, I knew my egg reserve was diminishing. Yes, I knew it was a rite of passage that I could not avoid. Still, I could not believe it was already here: menopause. I was only 48!

I had been infertile for a number of years and had grieved every milestone I didn’t get to reach: becoming pregnant again, having a pregnancy announcement, a gender reveal, hearing our baby’s heartbeat, or being able to feel a kick inside my belly. All of those things other women around me were blessed to experience. I had accepted and fully grieved they would never happen to me. We grew our family via adoption. We were thankful to the birth moms that blessed us with three beautiful children. Our family was full of love, laughter, beautiful chaos and a lot of Legos. Still, I could not hide how I had always held onto a little sliver of hope that we might still get pregnant. I was not holding my breath, but the idea lingered far in the back of my mind and heart.

When the perimenopause symptoms became more problematic, I went to see my doctor. She ordered some bloodwork and I waited for the results. In the meantime, I started hormone replacement therapy to help my hormones get back to a healthier level. She prescribed some medication and supplements as well. I kept training on a regular basis, while focusing on strength training. I was doing all that I could to stay healthy. Then, I was told my ovaries had stopped functioning. It felt as though I could not breathe anymore. It was coming. I would hit menopause within months. I went into shock. It stung so much. All these years of having struggled with infertility and now, my fertility really was gone forever. I felt robbed because I was not given a chance to enjoy my fertility before it left. All I had known was painful periods, hormonal imbalances, a miscarriage, stage IV endometriosis, surgery and no further pregnancies. Now, it was over!

Grief over infertility sucks, it truly does. It hurts. It means accepting that the body you were given is not capable of doing what it was destined to do: carry life. You are left with what you believe is a broken body. But when your fertility – the core of what makes you a woman – is gone for good, it changes you. It scares you. Well, it scared me! So, I had to reflect on what was now happening. Who was I now as a menopausal woman? What was my purpose? What could I bring to other women? To my husband? Did I become less of a woman because I could no longer even hope to conceive? Was I still a woman even though my reproductive system was now officially closed? Was I no longer enough? 

In reality, what I was experiencing was a normal rite of passage into another phase of my reproductive journey. My fertility never defined my womanhood. It was a component of my unique female body. It may not have served me in a way that I had wanted, but it served me in ways I could have never imagined.

I keep coming back to this idea that my infertility was the greatest gift I could have been given. I know, I know, where am I going with this? This makes no sense! But, let me tell you what those gifts were. For one, it allowed me to understand that control does not belong to me; it belongs to God. It also made me aware of other people’s pain around me. I was not as compassionate and empathetic before I was infertile. Oh sure, I felt bad for someone who was not able to conceive or had miscarried. But I was completely oblivious to their pain or even how to connect with them. Being infertile forced me to see myself as more than just a woman with a reproductive system. I began to embrace the many roles I held. Being a woman was just one part of me. I was a sister, a friend, a wife, an aunt, a godmother, a volunteer and so much more. My infertility did not define who I was. I was who God made me: a child of God.

Being told my fertility would soon come to an end was devastating. It broke me and it held me in this deep abyss of sadness for a few days. Then, the light of God shone back in my heart. His love pierced my sadness and showed me His hand – the one He held out in my darkest moments. It was then I knew that even though my fertility was gone, I was still His daughter and faithful servant.

So, what will I do with this new menopausal gift? Plenty! I will continue to take care of my body as the gift that God entrusted me with. I will spread even more awareness about how to keep your fertility in check. I will continue to research the best ways to keep my hormones replaced with ones that can keep my heart, brain and overall body healthy. Finally, I will no longer wonder what could have been of my fertility. Instead, I will focus and nourish the friendships infertility gave me – like my fellow writers, mentors and mentees from this ministry – together with my gifts of active listening, empathy, mindfulness and compassion.

Fertile or not, I am and always will be a child of God, made in His image and ready to serve Him each day of my life. To you, my dear sisters in Christ, no matter how your fertility ends: know your worth. Know His love for you. Remember His dying on the cross for you. Remember you are His daughter.

As always, I keep you all in prayer and send you a hug!