(You can read part 1 of this series here.)
I was staring at the ultrasound machine, hearing the explanation of how early it can pick up a baby’s heartbeat.
It wasn’t an ultrasound for me. It was an ultrasound in a pregnancy resource center for moms experiencing unplanned or crisis pregnancies… ultrasounds for those possibly considering abortions. I was touring the center as part of my job. As I stood there, trying to focus on the conversation around me, I could feel my own period starting.
What a cruel, sick joke, Lord.
Being “open to life” had inadvertently led me into work in the pro-life movement. Me, an infertile person, regularly giving women referrals to pregnancy centers, talking about fetal development, and advocating for law changes.
Walking into the job, I knew that there would be days like this. Days where the reality of the work would collide with my own personal experience, and I would need to regroup. Days where I would need to combat comparison, anger, and shame. I didn’t know that God would give me the grace to make it through most days without dwelling too much.
What I also never know is when it will hit hard. Like leaving a different maternity shelter recently, and tearing up as I was driving away… being three days into my period that time. I try not to fight back the emotions as they come. I try not to stifle the tears. It’s healthy and normal to feel these emotions! But in the pregnancy clinic, I couldn’t let the tears flow. I continued my tour, holding this painful secret quietly to my heart, reaching for my inner sanctuary with Jesus, clinging to Him, weeping interiorly.
This openness to life, this spiritual motherhood, this work is not what I would have envisaged for myself. This unknown is a scary, vulnerable place to be. If you are in this same unknown, I can only offer that we are wandering around a bit lost in this unknown together.