RESOURCE: Navigating the emotional rollercoaster
- Ellen H.
- 1 hour ago
- 6 min read
The highs and lows
Trying to conceive while dealing with infertility comes with intense emotions. Each new treatment, supplement or surgery can fill us with the possibility that “this, surely, will be the month!” often to only be met by deep despair when we see that, once again, this month is not our month for the pregnancy we have longed for for so long. How do we continue forward in hope, leaving room for the possibility for God to work a miracle, all while not setting ourselves up for an emotional crash and burn each time our cycle arrives? There’s no magic solution, but the steps below will help you to find a more manageable approach as you navigate this season. By making sure our actions align with our priorities (God, spouse and our mental/physical health), limiting opportunities for false hope, and finding purpose and joy outside of pregnancy, we will set ourselves up for mental health success on the journey ahead.
Whether or not you end up with a child someday, it’s absolutely crucial to remember your marriage is about more than children. Your marriage is a sacrament even if God does not bless it with children. Make sure you and your spouse have a focus and a purpose outside of trying to get pregnant.
Steps for a smoother ride
1) Pray
Even if you’re angry at God or don’t feel like being on speaking terms anymore, pray anyway. Turn to Him in your anger, your grief and your frustration - pour all of it out before Him. Ask for His wisdom, His comfort, His guidance, and to know of His love for you. Commit to reading a verse or paragraph of scripture each day. If that feels too challenging for your heart, consider reading about a saint, listening to some of our infertility meditations on the Hallow app, or spending time meditating on religious artwork. Whatever piece of faith your heart can hold - do that and keep doing it.
2) Identify where you are and where you want to be
Take a quick assessment of how you are doing with your mental health, your spiritual life and your marriage. Are things good, on shaky ground or in crisis mode? Next, write down what each of these areas would look like if they were going well - what do you hope for? Make sure that anything you do related to trying to conceive (TTC) is supportive of these goals - if it isn’t, take some serious time to consider making some adjustments.
3) Map out the highs and lows
Write down when during your cycle you feel your best emotionally and when you feel your worst. Consider sketching out an entire month and then write down what you do each day of that month related to TTC - supplements, timed intercourse, ultrasounds, bloodwork. Jot down in another color how your emotions fluctuate as you go through the month. Are you feeling your most hopeful at your monthly ultrasound when you see ovulation or when you see your 7dpo progesterone levels? Do you feel dread when it comes to timed intercourse? Do you feel the most despair when your period comes or when you take a pregnancy test at 12dpo? At the bottom of the page, write down other items that fill you with hope or discouragement - perhaps TTC group chats initially fill you with hope and a sense of community but then it turns to despair when others in the group become pregnant while you’re not. Maybe buying “early detection” pregnancy tests feels like an act of hope, only for those dreams to be dashed later. Maybe the infertility facebook group feeds your negativity cycle more than you expected, or the 9am Mass with the young families hurts your heart more than you wish to admit.
4) Brainstorm modifications
If you’ve been struggling emotionally, facing challenges with your mental health or facing significant stress in your marriage, consider stripping things down as much as possible. Explore the question, “What is the minimum I can do to allow for the possibility of a miracle to occur without it costing my sanity?” Specifically, take a look at the areas that you marked in the mapping exercise above, and see where the feelings of dread, frustration or dashed hopes arise and brainstorm ideas to deal with those areas. For example, if taking a negative pregnancy test at 12dpo crushes your heart 2 days before your period even arrives, consider not taking a pregnancy test at all until you’re late. If your biggest dread comes at timed intercourse, consider only using one of those fertile days instead of all of them. If your biggest frustration is no pregnancy after a month of bloodwork and cycle tracking, talk to your doctor about the possibility of continuing your prescriptions at their current level without checking hormone levels, and ask if they have a recommendation for which days of your cycle you could take your prescription (ie: progesterone) if you wanted to take a break from charting.
If you are contemplating making any changes to a prescribed plan, run those ideas past your doctor so they can advise you on how your approach can be most safely adjusted. Be honest with how things have been affecting your mental health and be assertive about what you need. You may assume “But the doctor says I have to do it this way!”, but often the doctor can work with you for an alternative once you’ve let them know about the negative impact of the current approach. Consider finding a second opinion if it’s needed. A patient and doctor should be able to work together for the best physical and mental health of the patient - that’s you!
If even the minimum amount of TTC effort is still putting you over the edge, don’t hesitate to consider a break from TTC in order to give your mind and heart a much needed reprieve. See “Discerning the next best step” and “Spring clean your life” for more tips and guidance.
5) Create a focus goal outside of infertility
Make sure that having a baby is not the only goal you are focused on. Pick a new project that you can immerse yourself in. Whether it’s redoing your master bedroom to create an oasis for you and your spouse, training to run a 5k or taking a class for a new hobby or skill, you’ll be reminded of how much you have to offer, that you do have control over some aspects of your life, and that there are things that you do enjoy and can be proud of! Choosing a project that allows you to see regular progress will do so much good for your heart and mind. For more ideas, see “Dive right in!” and “Spring clean your life.”
6) Craft a self-care plan
Plan ahead for your lows. Create a plan for when your period arrives that will give you one activity to look forward to and one that helps you focus on something outside of yourself. For tips in this area, see “Levels of Self-Care” and “Toolbox for Stressful Times”.
7) Choose your input
You are in charge of who and what you surround yourself with. If group chats, facebook groups or instagram posts fill you with jealousy, negativity or false hope, do yourself a favor and unfollow. Fill your mind and time with input that is life-giving instead - books with beautiful art, a cozy comfort read, uplifting music, or getting out in nature.
8) Find your circle of support
Choose your friends and advisors wisely. Spend your free time with friends who are uplifting and encouraging. Be selective with whom you share your deepest struggles. And when you find “your people,” make sure to not spend all your time venting and sharing infertility woes - use that time together for rejuvenating activities and relaxing, fun experiences. In addition, consider seeking out the support of a spiritual director, a licensed counselor or Sisters of Hannah mentor.
Click below to download your own printable “Navigating the Emotional Roller Coaster” worksheets, which include both an example page and a blank template for you to fill out with your own plan.
EXAMPLE:
For further resources to help you along the infertility journey, check out our Resources Page.