RESOURCE: Gratitude when all is not well

A different approach to gratitude

We’ve all heard the well-meaning advice to focus on what we have rather than what we don’t have - “comparison is the enemy of contentment” or “comparison is the thief of joy”. But doing the often recommended “write down one thing you're thankful for a day” can feel pretty empty when you’re longing for a child, and instead are supposed to relish in your journal entry of “I’m thankful for the takeout we had for dinner”. It can feel like a rather poor substitute. We would like to offer you an alternative: to look over an entire week or month, identify both your highs and lows, and identify things in the future you can look forward to. This approach allows us to see our month or a week with a more balanced perspective, without the negativity bias to which we can become very accustomed. Little by little, we can begin to see the blessings that God has afforded us are here, helping us through the hard times, as much as the angels sent to Jesus at Gethsemane helped him through His.

Steps for a thankful approach

1. Pray

Reveal your heart to the Lord. Be honest with him and let him know if this is an especially challenging season for you to be thankful. Reveal your broken heart to him, ask him for comfort, and ask the Holy Spirit to send you the gift of being able to see “God’s goodness in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13) in your life right now.

2. Acknowledge the hard

While this may seem counterintuitive for a gratitude exercise, trust us and include this step. List all of the “lows” you’ve experienced this week/month ie: several pregnancy announcements, another negative pregnancy test, a project that didn’t go well at work, a holiday missed due to illness. Write them in a vertical list.

3. Celebrate your monthly/weekly highs

Now it is time to list all of your “highs” for the past week or month: the coffee outing with a friend, the tasty restaurant meal with your spouse, the sunrise last week on the way home, the compliment from your colleague, the work presentation that went well, the walk-in  art class you loved. List both big and small highs.

4. “Look for the helpers”

After listing your highs, take a moment to write down all of the people you’ve been glad to interact with this week/month: the helpful clerk at the store, the pleasant waitress, your spouse, your best friend, your pastor, your favorite colleague. Remind yourself that God is working through these people. He is walking alongside you through the individuals that he has sent into your life at this time. The way your best friend makes you laugh, the way the store clerk went out of his way to help you, the loving touch of our spouse - they are all reminders that God is here with you and has not abandoned you. As Mr. Rogers once said, “Look for the helpers”.

5. Look to the future

What are some activities or events you are looking forward to next week or next month? List at least three. These should be activities that you can reasonably expect to do. Do not list “Get a positive pregnancy test!” because that is not something you have control over. Consider a special date with your spouse, dinner/movie/coffee with a friend, or an upcoming community event or walk-in class you are looking forward to attending. Include the smaller items as well - reading the new book you’ve borrowed from the library, watching your favorite show on Friday evenings, or baking your favorite dessert on the weekend.

6. Review

After making your lists, look at your “highs”, “helpers”, and “future plans” alongside your “lows.” Notice that despite how challenging the hard things were, it didn’t mean that your entire week or month was bad. Notice that just because God has not blessed you with a child, it doesn’t mean that he has removed every good opportunity from your future. This is an important realization we need to make for the sake of our spiritual and mental health. It is disingenuous to deny our sorrows and only validate the blessings and it is also dangerous to claim that God has completely abandoned us and only sends bad things our way. Seeing both the positive and the negative helps us to have a more honest and balanced perspective, which can give us more peace, strength and hope to face the days ahead.

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Click below to download your own printable “Gratitude when all is not well” worksheets, which include both an example page and a blank template for you to fill out with your own plan.

Gratitude when all is not well Resource.pdf

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For further resources to help you along the infertility journey, check out our Resources Page.