Let it be done unto me according to Thy word

The Annunciation has a very special place in my heart as a mom of loss and someone who has also experienced primary and secondary infertility. I always looked at it as this miraculous event where even when conception seemed impossible, it wasn't with God. It was hopeful that we might miraculously conceive. As I have gone through my own journey, I've gleaned deeper meaning from this intimate encounter with Mary, the Angel Gabriel and our Lord.

I think Mary's fiat encompasses the Catholic understanding of suffering so well. The news that she would bear the Messiah was intimidating (being chosen to be the mother of God) and difficult timing (betrothal to Joseph and not having had relations) and likely to bring much suffering with it. It's common to try to avoid pain and suffering, to choose what would be best for ourselves in the view of the world. But God calls us to do what's best according to His plan, even if that means enduring immense suffering. And He blesses us all the while. Mary is a perfect example of this. 

As I have learned more and more about holy detachment and my desires not always being fulfilled, I've started praying that God's desires for me be fulfilled. He desires the best for us, but I don't always understand what that is or why things happen a certain way. We've been married since June of 2018 and started trying to have a baby that fall. We have three littles in heaven and one incredible little boy we got to bring home after so many prayers, tests, procedures etc. My pregnancy with him was riddled with anxiety about losing him. My postpartum period was incredibly heartbreaking, going through physical complications and losing our home unexpectedly 2 months after bringing our baby home. But I remember being grateful not to have to worry about fertility timing and the pressure of time-sensitive tests and intercourse. The mental and physical break while I was focused on other things was welcome.

Last April, I went to a healing service and had some missionaries pray over me for my fertility. I remember them praying “Lord, open her womb” and internally I heard “and her heart”. I was scared to step back into the world of trying to conceive and even more afraid of actually becoming pregnant. I was nervous about losing another baby, or having the baby and not being able to handle two kids, or not getting pregnant and grieving because I had worked so hard to heal my body the last two years. I felt my fears turn into peace and we conceived a few days later, naturally without any medications which was a first for us. My due date was Christmas Eve. After a couple beautiful and hard weeks, we lost the baby. 

It was similar in many ways to my second miscarriage, where my body thought it was still pregnant and I had to have surgery after weeks of waiting for my body to figure it out. I was having all the symptoms of still being pregnant but no baby ever showed up on the ultrasound. It was devastating and I felt betrayed and tricked. But all this was part of the openness of that fiat. “Let it be done unto me according to His word.” I don't know why we lost our baby. We had genetic testing done and he was perfect. We've had several tests done ourselves and we can't explain why this happened. 

We named him Gabriel Emmanuel. Gabriel because when I was prayed over, the image that came to my mind was the Annunciation: Mary giving her fiat and the angel of the Lord telling her not to be afraid. The Annunciation had been on my heart so much that year as a reminder not to be afraid of God's will even if it meant losing another child, suffering a difficult pregnancy or postpartum period. Emmanuel because of my due date being Christmas Eve and it means “God with us” or “God is our strength ” which was a much needed reminder that God is with us in our suffering.

Now it's been almost another year and we're not pregnant, though we've been trying and going through invasive tests and procedures again. We've been more detached than before when we've been in TTC mode. We've also been less afraid of it not happening or happening and experiencing another loss. It's been a beautiful holy detachment of “Let it be done unto me according to Thy word” and not bracing myself for what God has in store, but being receptive. 

As this feast of the Annunciation is upon us, I pray that Our Lady and the Angel Gabriel can assist us all in opening ourselves to God's will with peace and holy detachment. That we might desire what He hopes for us and not fear that He will leave us more destitute.