Discerning over a lifetime
It’s only human to want a definitive answer. To reach a yes or no and have a matter be settled for once and for all. I’ve learned that life often isn’t that simple. This has been true in many areas of my life, but the most impactfully in relation to infertility.
When my husband and I first sought medical treatment for our infertility, I told him that I wanted to keep trying until we got a definitive yes or no on whether we could conceive. It seemed simple enough to just keep going until we got a black and white answer, right? But the years went by and the procedures, treatments and diagnoses stacked up. There were so many different factors, known and unknown. Eventually, the treatments got my hormones to cooperate and everything was “fine” medically. I looked like my body was doing what it should, and we were told there was no reason we could not conceive. And yet, we did not.
The hope of what could be gave way to exhaustion - both physical, emotional and spiritual. I was so worn and weary but I wanted to soldier on, still hoping for that clear, black and white answer. My husband tried to gently encourage me to take a break from treatment, but I wouldn’t hear him out. I needed to continue on until I received that answer… until I couldn’t anymore.
We found out my doctor was pregnant and her nurse was too. Even her receptionist was expecting a grandchild soon. They decided to close the medical practice for several months while they all took leave for the new arrivals in their lives. I had no choice but to take a break from treatment. Taking a break before receiving a definitive answer wasn’t what I had wanted but I found, to my surprise, that I was at peace with it, and the peace just grew over time. It took a lot of emotional processing and even grieving but it was an oddly cathartic experience, especially compared to the draining feeling of forcing myself to continue on. I didn’t want to admit it but my husband was right. The years of treatment had taken a toll on me. I needed rest.
By the time my doctor’s practice reopened, after much prayer and conversation, my husband and I had discerned we would stop treatment for infertility. We didn’t know for how long, but we knew we could always go back. I didn’t have my black and white answer but we were at peace knowing this was the right choice for us.
It has been ten years since that decision to take a break from treatment. We have discerned going back to treatment several times and have taken varying steps at different times. We still don’t have a final answer, and still could do more in search of that answer. But over the years, I have learned that discernment is more than searching for a definitive answer at all costs. I have learned it is more important to discern what is right and healthy for us as a couple at that point in time, while learning to accept that we don’t know what the future will hold.
The approach my husband and I take to discerning what is right for us these days takes a number of factors into account:
Attuning to our well-being: mentally, physically and spiritually
When you are single-mindedly focused on a goal, whether treating infertility or otherwise, it is easy to ignore your needs. However, that approach is not sustainable. As human beings, we are called to be stewards of our bodies, to care for the temples of the Holy Spirit that God has given us. That includes taking stock of our mental, physical and spiritual health and addressing what is necessary rather than running yourself into the ground. Sometimes it is difficult to do that for ourselves, which makes the next factor so important as well.
Communicate with and listen to each other
Infertility affects and is carried by both spouses. While each spouse may feel it differently, it is important to remember that you are a team living life together. Your spouse is also the person closest to you and the one who knows you best. I personally am very stubborn and want to believe I can do anything I set my mind to without limitations. My husband can see when I am turning a blind eye to my own needs and well-being and lovingly point that out to me. Listening to his caring feedback instead of my pride has vastly improved my well-being and our marriage.
Discern with God’s guidance
We can only see what is in front of us, with our limited understanding. God has an infinitely broad knowledge and wants to care for us as His children. With that understanding, it is important to seek His guidance as well. While we may not always understand where God is leading us or why, we do know that He only desires good for us, and will bring us peace. If you are struggling with knowing how to discern God’s guidance, there are many wonderful resources available to us as Catholics to help!
Make a decision for now, not forever
I have realized that while I may have wanted a definitive answer, I wasn’t likely to receive it. But that has also become a comfort to me in a way. I’ve realized that I don’t have to make a big “forever decision”. My husband and I simply have to discern and decide what is best for us now, at this stage in life, or even just this month. At any juncture we can change course if we want to, especially if the decision we made doesn’t feel right or like it fits anymore. That puts a lot less weight on a single decision at a time.
Over our nearly 15 years of marriage, the journey of infertility has taken many twists and turns and I have come to accept that I don’t know what it will look like in the end. Instead, I have learned to accept the unknown and to rely more on God in the midst of it. God has brought so many blessings into my life and has carried me through the darkest valleys, through suffering and loss I wasn’t sure I could overcome. Through it all, I have seen how faithful God is. We can trust that He will care for us and love us, even if we don’t understand the road we are on or where it will lead.
