Forgiving in infertility
Recently in ministry work, I was confronted with the need to resolve anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. While this was in a different context, I was challenged in the moment to apply it to my history of infertility.
The fact is that infertility is a trauma which can begin, fuel and feed anger. That anger can then manifest itself in different ways and at different people. Many who experience infertility for a number of years can begin to see the impacts on their marriage, friendships, relationship with medical providers, and even in our relationship with God and the Church.
The fact also stands that those long-held grudges, even that righteous anger at our situation, can impact ourselves and our relationships poorly. I have seen it in the way I find myself cynical and bitter about supposed ways to treat infertility and underlying health issues. I can see it creep into how I perceive my spouse, friends and family, however well-intentioned. My own health has taken a beating as my body stores up the suppressed anger and resentment over my situation.
If the idea that you might need to seek forgiveness for anger resulting from infertility or at least fueled by infertility raises your guard, I want to gently invite you to examine your conscience and seek honesty and humility before the Lord. Such an examination is not meant to poke and prod at hard places, but rather free you to be able to finally forgive, be forgiven and be set free.
As we lay out who and what might need forgiveness in regards to anger and trauma, feel free to think of where else this anger might be being directed. Here are some ideas:
the person who was the source of your trauma;
those who did not believe you or who did not properly empathize;
an organization responsible for situations which led to trauma.
Perhaps you are starting to think of:
medical providers
your spouse
family
friends
your parish community
the pro-life or pro-choice movement
the Church
moms or dads, especially during pregnancy
yourself
God.
It might be helpful to journal specific names that came to mind and outline any actions or inactions which led to anger and resentment towards them. Has a medical provider slowed the progress of finding the root cause of infertility? Has your parish community forgotten to include you in ministry? Even if an expectant mom or dad has done nothing to slight you, has being in their presence made you resentful of your situation? Do you harbor anger at God over your lot in life?
Forgiveness doesn’t mean minimizing your pain. I would defer to a couple of video explanations by Fr. Mike Schmitz (here and here) on what forgiveness is and isn’t in depth. Some highlights include:
It is just to expect something owed back; forgiveness releases that debt.
Forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration are three different things; forgiveness of someone in your life does not mean that the relationship is or even should be reconciled.
Forgiveness keeps you from the “poison” of frequently holding onto or suppressing your anger.
The act of forgiveness I’d like to invite us all into is a gift from God. To know that there is freedom from the tension we find ourselves in is indeed liberating. Adopting an attitude of forgiveness is taking on the responsibility of the Christian and the expectation that in Christ’s passion, death and resurrection, He has “reconciled all things to Himself.”
How does one get started in forgiveness? Where does one begin? Invite the Holy Spirit to help you begin. You might journal a letter of forgiveness (which you would NOT deliver to the person you are working to forgive) and/or spend some time in adoration. Make it a prayer of your heart, asking for the ability to do so. One interesting prayer I found in the process is this Chaplet for the Mercy to Forgive Another. It is a good way to turn to Scripture to learn what it means to forgive by St. Stephen and our Lord upon the cross.
And with that, I leave you with these words from St. Faustina: “He who knows how to forgive prepares for himself many graces from God. As often as I look upon the cross, so often will I forgive with all my heart.”
