A trio of hope

For those of you who have read any of my writings here at The Fruitful Hollow, you will not be surprised to know that I have a complex (but improving!) relationship with Our Lady. It’s hard to feel close to someone who was called to be a perfect mother to God Himself when God has called you to a life of permanent infertility. Over the past year, though, I have found a lot of healing in my relationship with Mary through an unexpected route: her parents, Anne and Joachim. 

I had been interested in St. Anne in particular since I was aware of my infertility as a young teen. In fact, she was almost my confirmation saint (St. Catherine of Alexandria won that round!). Unfortunately, one of the main reasons I decided against having her as my patron back then was that it would make my infertility somehow more real: by embracing a patron of infertility. It would be accepting a fate from God I refused to even acknowledge. So Saints Anne and Joachim resided in a closed-off part of my heart - knowing that I was aware of them, and probably hurting that I was keeping them at such a distance. 

All of that changed about a year ago, when I was coming out of confession in the church where I knew I would likely be getting married. The priest who heard my confession told me to see God in the smaller moments in life, both the joys and the surrenders. He also told me for my penance to say three Hail Marys. Yay. I still don’t know what compelled me - maybe the Spirit, maybe Mary or her parents, but I went to the statue of Mary and knelt before it. Looking up at the alcove, I noticed the stained glass on each side of Mary: it was Saints Anne and Joahcim, protecting their beloved daughter on each side. My whole body trembled in the moment, my heart shattering as I stumbled through the Hail Marys, my eyes never leaving St Anne’s tender but firm ones. My whole walk home, I silently prayed to the two protectors of Mary, and to the Mother of God herself, begging them to help me carry the cross down the path Love had set in place for me. 

From then on, I always pray after confession in that small alcove chapel, reflecting on Saints Anne and Joachim. Did they feel like they were letting each other down when no child came after so many years? The way I felt like I was letting my fiancé down going into a marriage with no chance of conceiving? How did they handle accepting both Mary’s and their grandson’s fates? How could they trust God so much, even when I am sure they were as confused and heartbroken as any of us can be on this road of infertility, or of any hard path we carry our crosses along in life? 

We know little about Saints Anne and Joachim, but I do love what their names mean. Anne means “given in grace”. My name means “God is gracious”. I like to think that there is so much to learn from someone who also had to live her life with so much more grace than I feel up to giving right now. Maybe Anne’s grace will remind me to give God and myself grace when the wounds hurt. To remember that God’s grace will help get us through when nothing else can. Joachim means “established by God”. Just as we are established by God, and as long as we trust in Love itself, God will lead us down the path He has set ahead of us. If you are called to marriage, your family is established by God the moment you and your spouse say your vows. Children do not establish a family, only the love of the two in matrimony under God does. 

I look at Saints Anne and Joachim, and how they direct us back to their daughter, who directs us back to her son, Love itself. Reflect on the swords that pierced all three of their hearts, but also the deep hope and trust and faith that also brought them joy as well. If they can still have hope in God despite their pain and uncertainty, maybe I can take the first step in simply uttering a small, “Love I trust you”. 

So now, in four months when I say my vows with my beloved, and we walk to lay flowers at Mary’s statue, I know that I will also look to her two parents who are not only guarding their daughter, but also me and my husband. And that if we live our lives half as faithfully as Saints Anne and Joachim did, I will consider that a loving and blessed marriage.

Know we are always praying for you, and so are Saints Anne and Joachim and the Blessed Virgin.